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I try to laugh every day. Actually I try to laugh every minute. Not because laughing burns calories, or because I want to look happy. I laugh because I love to laugh. I even laugh at myself. I always laugh harder at myself anyway. . . . Sometimes I’m not very nice. Other days I’m just like sugar. I could be a toothache to some people, but in this world today, no one deserves it that good. . . . I truly believe that everyone deserves a fair chance. Everyone, all human beings, are created equal, as well as with the capacity to learn everything that can be taught. We all have the potential to be geniuses. Some may take a little longer than others, but that is expected, because we each move at a different pace. We are each individuals. People are unique creatures, they come in all shapes and sizes, colors and languages; we all smell different, and sleep in funny positions. But we all breathe the same air, live in the same world, and the exact same blood runs through our veins. . . . The full moon in the sky now is the same one that shines down on my home 3 hours away. It truly is a small world. I’d like to hop on that star, and ride it back a few years, a few miles, and knowing what I know now about life, I’d do many things differently-and, then, some things I would not do at all.
Back to the moon, it’s so bright, not like the sun, bright like my eyes, looking at my reflection in the mirror just before I go. I scan my entire person, to be sure I am satisfied with how I look, and that is all that I look for-I don’t see myself any other way, but as myself. . . . Drying flowers is like stilling memories-much like writing dates down on paper. My friend Erin, used to write down 5 things that happened to her during her day. Every night she would need to think about it. I think that is sad. How nice, how wonderful in fact, it would be if she didn’t need to think about it-What if everything that happened during one’s day was good.
I truly believe, or at least I used to, that waking up everyday was a good thing. I wonder if Erin has ever put that down on her list. Probably if I ever made a list like that, waking up every day would be the first thing to come to mind.
I’m not sure I still believe that, though. I used to love life, and I still do, but its much harder now in college. I don’t have too much to worry about, it’s not that...I’m not sure why I don’t anymore. Maybe it’s just b/c I feel so stuck. Or perhaps I’m lonely. Ah, Loneliness--it’s so shitty--its truly sucks. I haven’t received affection, other than motherly and fatherly, for so long. I’d love to be able to say that I’m happy this way--in solitude. But I’m not. And it’s starting to get to me. But what can I do? Nothing--just wait it out. Wait for something to happen. In the words of The Supremes, “You can’t hurry love.” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I hate wearing masks. I wish people would always say what they’re thinking--”say what you mean and mean what you say.”--that’s such a great idea! Everyone has a mask to wear in front of others. Sometimes someone even wears a mask when they are alone. Everyday many young girls see their mothers putting on a mask, and do the same as they grow. Why not teach our children that they are always beautiful, even w/out all that fake shit on their faces. Teach them that beauty comes from within. Eat more apples, and do more for you brain and body, than for the others who view you. I hate masks. So I try not to wear one--but it’s very hard in society today. . . . . . It’s so hard to realize that people change. Or at least, its hard to like who they become. I am always changing, and it sucks, because I make friends and if I change they may not want to still be friends w/ who I become. I feel I always change for the better, because I do it for myself, unconsciously, and whatever I do for myself is good. I only make good, or at least, happy choices. I think if I do anything out of the ordinary to some friends, then, so be it, b/c it’s still me. “If you love me, you have to love all the things about me.” . . . . . A lost, little girl desperately searching for something to cling to. Sometimes she feels she needs to fulfill her soul, a piece she thinks is missing, and keeping her from being whole. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see this lost, little girl staring back at me. Why is it so hard to be happy? Some people have all, and I mean all, of the luck. They’re born w/ good looks, personality, money already in the bank, and they go all the way. They meet up w/ people just as lucky, marry one, have them for kids. I’m not saying that I don’t like who I am. I do, and very much so. But just once, I’d like to know where I am going in this world, and not have a worry in the world, and not feel any pain. But, as Aristotle said, “awareness in Pain.” And I know too much. . . . . . Just when you think you’ve got everything figured out, and life is perfect, and you’ve go all that you’ll ever need-the table turns on you, and the shit hits the fan. I just had a talk w/ one of my very best friends, and she thinks we’ve grown apart, b/c we’ve both changed. I personally think that’s bullshit, and she’s just going through a hard time right now. I told her when friends change, the evolve together, not separately. She said she doesn’t feel like she’s evolving, she feels like she’s standing still while everything moves around her. I hope things get better for her.
There are those friends that you think you’ll have forever, and then you find out it’s not true-it hurts, a lot, like when you realize your first love was just that-your first, and there will be others. No matter how hard you kick and scream you can’t hold things down. You can’t glue the puzzle pieces together, because they are meant to come apart when you’re done w/ the puzzle. And even though you may not think you’re finished, they are only made to go so far. . . . . . Some change takes much longer to get used to, even to the one who feels it the most. It may be a superficial thing at times. But it always goes deeper than face value. “Beauty is only Skin deep.” “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” It’s all about interpretation, I guess. . . . . . . . I want to have something to pass on to my children. I write, but most small children can’t see the beauty in writing. It is something that is taught, or acquired. I’d love to be able to play an instrument, like the piano, so that when my children are young, they will love to hear me play, and one day aspire to be like me. Perhaps I will need to write children’s books for this reason. But writing for kids is hard. Most have short attention spans, so the book needs to hold their attention. It’s very hard.
Why do people say they won’t ever “do that again,” but they do it anyway?
Now that I’m older, I look back on things I did as a child and laugh, or cry, or just stare blankly into my reflection-I was so retarded! But, you know, older does not mean wiser. I make so many more stupid decisions now, than I ever did at the age of seven.
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