The Lunatic Song

It was the fall of 1991, my first semester of full-time graduate study in mathematics.  It was rather late at night in the television room under the dorm I was living in at the time, and the only people there were myself and Todd Jensen, a mathematics/music double major who shared my strange and often incomprehensible sense of humor.   And, for no particularly good reason, we spent until about 3a.m. writing this song, incorporating random images and words from the television.  I hope you enjoy it.  If you don't enjoy it, I at least hope it leaves no lasting emotional scars.  Thank you.

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The Song:  This song can be set to almost any tune, or lack thereof.
 

The Chorus: (to be sung between each of the verses):

The Lunatic Song
Come sing with us
Or we'll take a knife
And ram it in a bus
The Lunatic Song
 

The Verses (to be sung between each of the choruses):

I wish I had more nostrils
So I could pick them all
At the same time
With the spare banana

The man said no
So I tore his face off
His companion screamed
And opened up the mustard

A tow truck came up on the scream
And I guessed right
So I won ten thousand
Talking crackers

Dancing around my feet
I gave one a buck
He thought it was neat
Wisconsin

The band began to play
Salami and upside down
Artificial creme cheese
Pesticide killed the birds

Meanwhile the spare banana
Said to the spoon sized
Shredded wheat, "Did you hear?
The Dow lost ten points."

The shredded wheat said, "Geek."
So the spare banana ripped its
Face off and threw it in
The corner of the bowl

The bus is rolling sideways
Every schoolchild will be killed
Good, serves them right
Why don't they have jobs, anyway?

Lazy little hot dogs, not like
The hard-working spare banana
Earns its money in the coal mines
Working 56 hours a day

Laser beams shot out of my hands
And ate a Snickers but
The lightning bolts were coated
With Lever 2000

I'm feeling Earth-friendly
So I'm putting my human hand
Collection in a recyclable
Totebag that opens down

Empty heads on the wall
Freshly killed from my colony
Of stupid people. I shoot
Them with my big, big gun

Shave the cat and save its saliva
Biff Henderson haunts my dreams
With his Golf Cart o' Death
Sublease your brain

We are flooded with counterfeit
Tourist activities.  Get a fruitloop
Look at the tie closely and
Load up the trailer with ice cream

Program the radio for maximum
False idols that destroy airplanes
Can I collect my insurance
Before you drool on it?

We love it, we crave it
We can't do without it
Flypaper and rats
I'm alive with condiments

Hey mom the dog's not
Feeling well, he got too
Many biscuits or something
So get a tattoo: "Sucks."

Kill Dave Wilson by drowning
Him in Grey Poupon
But cut off his hair first
And send it to Oprah

Grease-laden ugly smelly shoes
Taste good on my plate
What, no parsley?
Depression and stupidity are my friends

Balding middle-aged men
Are counting the stars, but
They can't find more than three
So instead I ponder a squirrel

Lots and lots and lots
And lots and lots and lots
Plus lots and lots and lots
Of pre-filled ashtrays

The gobs are on the march
They are gonna take Cleveland
But not if the termites
Can get a headache

Crack your head like an egg
Crack your egg like a head
Let's go into space
And spit on the Hubble telescope

I'll never get it right
Unless you split your toes
Between the cops and the
Refried beans on the stove

Remember the spare banana
I cannot find my ears
They were in my pocket last
I'll give a reward

I think I'll go to McDonald's
And read the hamburgers
For hours on end
Until the mustard rises

There's a pile of faces
In the corner of the
Breakfast bowl and they
Are getting feisty

This is the last verse
I asked the mailman to be my bride
He declined and handed me
A Sears catalog.  That means "yes".

We lied, this is the last verse
The 29th verse of the song
It's better than Kum Ba Yah
And tastier than fudge