I try to laugh every day. Actually I try to laugh every minute. Not because laughing burns calories, or because I want to look happy. I laugh because I love to laugh. I even laugh at myself. I always laugh harder at myself anyway.
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Sometimes Iím not very nice. Other days Iím just like sugar. I could be a toothache to some people, but in this world today, no one deserves it that good.
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I truly believe that everyone deserves a fair chance. Everyone, all human beings, are created equal, as well as with the capacity to learn everything that can be taught. We all have the potential to be geniuses. Some may take a little longer than others, but that is expected, because we each move at a different pace. We are each individuals. People are unique creatures, they come in all shapes and sizes, colors and languages; we all smell different, and sleep in funny positions. But we all breathe the same air, live in the same world, and the exact same blood runs through our veins.
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The full moon in the sky now is the same one that shines down on my home 3 hours away. It truly is a small world. Iíd like to hop on that star, and ride it back a few years, a few miles, and knowing what I know now about life, Iíd do many things differently-and, then, some things I would not do at all.
Back to the moon, itís so bright, not like the sun, bright like my eyes, looking at my reflection in the mirror just before I go. I scan my entire person, to be sure I am satisfied with how I look, and that is all that I look for-I donít see myself any other way, but as myself.
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Drying flowers is like stilling memories-much like writing dates down on paper. My friend Erin, used to write down 5 things that happened to her during her day. Every night she would need to think about it. I think that is sad. How nice, how wonderful in fact, it would be if she didnít need to think about it-What if everything that happened during oneís day was good.
I truly believe, or at least I used to, that waking up everyday was a good thing. I wonder if Erin has ever put that down on her list. Probably if I ever made a list like that, waking up every day would be the first thing to come to mind.
Iím not sure I still believe that, though. I used to love life, and I still do, but its much harder now in college. I donít have too much to worry about, itís not that...Iím not sure why I donít anymore. Maybe itís just b/c I feel so stuck. Or perhaps Iím lonely. Ah, Loneliness--itís so shitty--its truly sucks. I havenít received affection, other than motherly and fatherly, for so long. Iíd love to be able to say that Iím happy this way--in solitude. But Iím not. And itís starting to get to me. But what can I do? Nothing--just wait it out. Wait for something to happen. In the words of The Supremes, ďYou canít hurry love.Ē
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I hate wearing masks. I wish people would always say what theyíre thinking--Ēsay what you mean and mean what you say.Ē--thatís such a great idea! Everyone has a mask to wear in front of others. Sometimes someone even wears a mask when they are alone. Everyday many young girls see their mothers putting on a mask, and do the same as they grow. Why not teach our children that they are always beautiful, even w/out all that fake shit on their faces. Teach them that beauty comes from within. Eat more apples, and do more for you brain and body, than for the others who view you. I hate masks. So I try not to wear one--but itís very hard in society today.
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Itís so hard to realize that people change. Or at least, its hard to like who they become. I am always changing, and it sucks, because I make friends and if I change they may not want to still be friends w/ who I become. I feel I always change for the better, because I do it for myself, unconsciously, and whatever I do for myself is good. I only make good, or at least, happy choices. I think if I do anything out of the ordinary to some friends, then, so be it, b/c itís still me. ďIf you love me, you have to love all the things about me.Ē
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A lost, little girl desperately searching for something to cling to. Sometimes she feels she needs to fulfill her soul, a piece she thinks is missing, and keeping her from being whole. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see this lost, little girl staring back at me.
Why is it so hard to be happy? Some people have all, and I mean all, of the luck. Theyíre born w/ good looks, personality, money already in the bank, and they go all the way. They meet up w/ people just as lucky, marry one, have them for kids.
Iím not saying that I donít like who I am. I do, and very much so. But just once, Iíd like to know where I am going in this world, and not have a worry in the world, and not feel any pain. But, as Aristotle said, ďawareness in Pain.Ē And I know too much.
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Just when you think youíve got everything figured out, and life is perfect, and youíve go all that youíll ever need-the table turns on you, and the shit hits the fan. I just had a talk w/ one of my very best friends, and she thinks weíve grown apart, b/c weíve both changed. I personally think thatís bullshit, and sheís just going through a hard time right now. I told her when friends change, the evolve together, not separately. She said she doesnít feel like sheís evolving, she feels like sheís standing still while everything moves around her. I hope things get better for her.
There are those friends that you think youíll have forever, and then you find out itís not true-it hurts, a lot, like when you realize your first love was just that-your first, and there will be others. No matter how hard you kick and scream you canít hold things down. You canít glue the puzzle pieces together, because they are meant to come apart when youíre done w/ the puzzle. And even though you may not think youíre finished, they are only made to go so far.
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Some change takes much longer to get used to, even to the one who feels it the most. It may be a superficial thing at times. But it always goes deeper than face value. ďBeauty is only Skin deep.Ē ďBeauty is in the eye of the beholder.Ē Itís all about interpretation, I guess.
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I want to have something to pass on to my children. I write, but most small children canít see the beauty in writing. It is something that is taught, or acquired. Iíd love to be able to play an instrument, like the piano, so that when my children are young, they will love to hear me play, and one day aspire to be like me. Perhaps I will need to write childrenís books for this reason. But writing for kids is hard. Most have short attention spans, so the book needs to hold their attention. Itís very hard.
Why do people say they wonít ever ďdo that again,Ē but they do it anyway?
Now that Iím older, I look back on things I did as a child and laugh, or cry, or just stare blankly into my reflection-I was so retarded! But, you know, older does not mean wiser. I make so many more stupid decisions now, than I ever did at the age of seven.