Be forever a student. He and he alone is an old man who feels that he has learnt enough and has need for no more knowledge.When I was a child, my most consistent memory associated with going to the dentist's office was Highlights Magazine. I haven't seen the magazine in almost twenty years, but I still remember one of the features of the magazine, "Goofus and Gallant". "Goofus and Gallant" was about two boys named, well, Goofus and Gallant. The feature would always show the two boys in similar situations, where Goofus would do everything the wrong way, and Gallant would do everything the right way.--- Sivananda
I've decided to tell two stories about my worst and my best students of all time. In honor of Highlights Magazine, I'll change the names of the students to Goofus and Gallant, to protect their identities.
The first tale will be about Goofus. Enjoy.
On the first day of College Algebra, as soon as the class was finished, Goofus approached me and introduced himself. He told me, without much preamble, three facts about himself:
I told him, “You have to learn enough of the material to get a 60% average or better on the tests.”
This was not the response he wanted. What he wanted, as I well knew, was the response “Well, gosh, Goofus, as long as you come to class most of the time and don't spit in my face during the lecture or set my notes on fire, then, by gum, I'll see to it that you pass.” What he wanted was a safety net, an automatic grade that wasn't dependent upon his actually learning something from me. Certain that I had misunderstood him, he repeated the question: “No, I mean WHAT do I have to DO to PASS the CLASS,” he stated, carefully emphasizing the important words so that his slow instructor would understand.
I, too, was capable of repetition. “You HAVE to LEARN enough of the MATERIAL to get a 60% AVERAGE or BETTER on the tests.” However, this time I added, “Look, if you come to class every day, and if you do the homework and if you ask questions about the material when you don't understand it, I'm sure you will get a passing grade. I've never had a student who did those three things who ever failed my class.” Goofus walked away without another word.
Goofus apparently only heard about 1/3 of what I said. He came to class every day. I'll give him credit for that. I don't believe he missed a single day. He never said a word, he never took any notes or paid any particular attention to the lecture, and he never asked a question, but he was there. He didn't turn in any homework for the first half of the semester, either, which was rather bizarre behavior for someone who claimed that he had to pass the class, since, in this class, homework counted for 20% of the grade. So blowing off the homework was a rather poor choice.
Goofus failed the first two tests. At this point, he decided to change his tactics. No, he didn't start asking me questions about the material, or taking notes, or doing the homework problems. What he did do was start copying the answers to the odd problems out of the back of the book and turning them in as his homework. This did him no good, since I had stated in the syllabus for the class that I graded the work on the homework, not just the answers. Despite the fact that he continued to receive failing grades on his homework assignments, he stuck with the same tactics. So he received a failing grade on his homework. He failed the rest of the tests that semester as well.
The week before the final exam, Goofus approached me again, and spoke to me for only the second time in the semester. Just to refresh my memory, he once again repeated his three points and asked (for the third time) “What do I have to do to pass the class?”
I said, “At this point, having failed 80% of your grade, I don't see how you CAN pass the class.” Goofus’ average was somewhere in the range of 15%. Even a 100% on the final exam would not bring him up to passing.
Again, Goofus, thinking I was just slow and didn't understand, said, “But I have to pass. What can I do to get a passing grade?”
I, without much diplomacy, pointed out, “Well, if you'd done the homework and asked questions all semester, you would not be in this position. But it's too late now.” I considered briefly and said, “I'll tell you what. If you pass the final exam, I'll let you pass the class.” I immediately regretted the words, but I was an inexperienced teacher and figured I should give him yet another chance. Goofus turned around and walked away without another word.
I probably don't have to tell you that Goofus did not pass the final exam. The exam was multiple choice, with five choices for each question. Goofus correctly answered only 20% of the questions. Which is the expected value for simply guessing on each question.
I would have preferred if the story of Goofus had stopped there. But it didn't. Goofus appeared in my office after the final exams had been graded. We had the same conversation again. And again. And again. Goofus continued to insist that I had to give him a passing grade, and I continued to insist that he hadn't lifted a single finger to earn one. I finally told Goofus that he should talk to the people in his own department; after all, they were the ones requiring that he take my class in the first place. If they waived the requirement, he'd be able to graduate.
A few days later, I got a call from Goofus' advisor. He asked me to write up a short statement describing Goofus' performance in my class, that they could show to the chair of their department. I did so, and dropped it off at the advisor's office.
The next day, I got a second call from the advisor. The advisor said, "If we show this to the department chair, there's absolutely no chance that Goofus will get the requirement waived. Could you rewrite the report and...um...leave out the parts about him not asking any questions, and not doing any homework for the first half of the semester, and simply copying answers out of the back for the second half?" He was careful to avoid asking me to lie, of course. That would be a violation of academic policy. He just wanted me to leave out all the bad parts. I pointed out that, if I did leave out all the comments that might be taken in a negative fashion, my whole report would consist of "Goofus was a student in my class." The advisor agreed that such a terse report would make it painfully obvious that there wasn't anything positive to say about the student. The call ended there. And so does this tale of Goofus.
That was the last I heard of that particular Goofus. But I've had many, many others in my classes since then. Students who sit passively, never ask questions, never participate, clearly never do a bit of homework, and then have the gall to be shocked and surprised that they don't pass my class, and expect me to give them a passing grade based on pity.