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The Fictional Answer |
Mike Molinsky was born in 687 B.C., the eighth of three children born to Mr. and Mrs. Diomedies in the little Greek city-state of Dystopia. His loving parents soon abandoned him on a nearby craggy hillside to be raised by wolves. Unfortunately, the wolves were a busy, two-career family who couldn't give a new child the kind of attention he deserved, so he ended up being raised by squirrels instead. An unfortunate allergy to acorns led to his leaving his loving rodent family and heading off to make his fortune in the world.
After a few years of wandering from place to place, Mike decided to settle down in Atlantis, where he was put in charge of the local nuclear power plant. Alas, an ill-timed nap in the control room resulted in the complete destruction of the continent, an irretrievable loss in culture and technology, and the end of Mike's disposable income. After swimming back to Europe, Mike attempted to raise some money selling encyclopedias door-to-door. But, since the encyclopedia would not be invented for another 2400 years, there were surprisingly few takers on this entrepreneurial venture. He was soon running out of time, running out of food, and running from angry peasants demanding their money back.
Then, Mike had an inspired dream: to reach the Far East by traveling due north! It had never been tried before, but he was determined to succeed or to fail, either one. He loaded up a knapsack with a map, a change of underwear and some extra stamps and headed out. For many months he walked, drawing closer to his destination. And then tragedy struck: during a snowstorm, he became buried and frozen beneath the ice of the North Pole. Some claim it to be accidental, but there are those who believe Santa had his elves "ice" Mike to keep him from revealing to the real world the deadly secret of the new Soylent Green Barbie.
In 1981, an expedition of Polish scientists discovered
Mike's frozen body in the ice. Using the kind of medical techniques
that only newspapers like The National Inquirer have the courage to report,
Mike's brain was replaced with a hamster on an exercise wheel and his body
was thawed out and returned to life. Grateful for a second chance
at life, this new and improved Mike decided to dedicate his life to teaching
mathematics. He immediately headed off for the small town of
Farmington, Maine, where he currently lives in a cardboard box in the middle
of the road and rubs gravel in his hair all day long.